Results 1 to 4 of 4. Dating someone with BPD borderline personality disorder. For those of you who don't know about BPD, it stands for borderline personality disorder, and is a mental and neurological disorder with some or all of the following traits: Well, for starters, beneath her issues she is a bright and beautiful person with many good qualities. And second off I did not realize for a great deal of time that she had BPD, and, as many, many people in my situation do, thought her issues were situational, and as she had to believe, even largely my own fault.
Dating someone with that kind of issue is pretty similar to playing poker , you think you can handle running bad because you never ran bad enough to understand it, but at some point maybe she ll get worse or you wont be strong enough to deal with it. You know the answer to your question but can you accept that answer.
So wait, she is clinky, has mother issues, self image issues, and gets emotional for no apparent reason? Sounds like most women. These girls are taught from day 1 of their life that they are daddy's perfect little princess, surroundings themselves with do-boys and alpha bitches.
Ah, dear, I feel for you. It's a tough road to follow. The short answer to your problem is, as a poster above put it, therapy. If she's presently in therapy, you have a chance at a successful, long term relationship.
If not in therapy, walk away. And this will be a tough thing to do, because of her clingy-ness. One of the most difficult and frustrating and self-perpetuating things about dealing with a borderline is their difficulty, and sometimes total inability to trust. Which is why she needs therapy. To give an example: She says, "Do you think I'm pretty? It's not your fault.
It's her inability to trust you, or anyone at this point. She was conditioned this way. She cannot trust those closest to her, because, look at her track record. Through a good therapist, she can learn to trust herself and her choices, because, right now, that little voice in her head is not very trustworthy.
Medication alone cannot 'fix' this. If she learns to trust her therapist, and then herself, there's a good chance you can have a successful relationship with her. Other comorbid issues such as depression or anxiety can be managed by medication, but any underlying personality disorder requires fairly intensive therapy to make any changes. So is she in therapy?
Dating someone with bpd forums
If not, you need to understand this will not get better. You cannot fix this or her. These are long entrenched patterns of thinking and behaving and even if she recognizes in other moments that she doesn't want to act that way, nothing will change without some sort of treatment.
She won't just be exactly like she is minus the crazy. That's not the way it works. Only you can determine if being with someone who has significant personality problems is something you are willing to do.
I think most people would prefer something easier, because being with her would take a tremendous amount of work and patience. If that's something you are willing to do then best of luck, but I might suggest you have people you can talk to as your own support system as well. My ex-wife has BPD. She threw a remote at me and hit me in the head just after we got engaged because an old girlfriend said Hi to me.
She shattered a drinking glass on my shoulder. She cut my head open with a coffee mug I later passed out from loss of blood. She cut my eye with her engagement ring when she hit me while we were on our way to couples therapy.
She hit me over the head with a wooden table leg. She cheated on me multiple times with multiple guys. She disappeared with my son for 6 weeks when he was 3 because she was mad at me. She alienated all of our friends, including two separate churches we attended.
She cut herself throughout our time together 13 years and continually threatened suicide. She threatened to leave every few months because I "wasn't doing enough" even though I worked full-time and took care of the kids and house when I got home.
She eventually left and took the kids. She's an expert manipulator and liar and was able to convince the courts to give her custody. Since then 6 years she's had many boyfriends and just recently up and moved to a town right on the Canadian border over 5 hours from me. I'm just waiting for the day she disappears into Canada with my kids. There's lots more, but notice the patterns of abusive behavior which you're seeing , impulsiveness which you're seeing , self-harm which you're seeing , manipulation which IS happening to you - are you seeing it though?
Everything was always someone else's fault. It requires years of intense therapy. I don't care how amazing she is. Do not stay involved with her. You cannot even stay friends with her while she works through this because you'll only confuse her and make it harder for her to deal with her issues. Cut it off now. I'm sure part of you feels like you're helping her by "being there for her". You're just enabling her. The best thing you can do for her is to leave and hope she gets help for this.
You'll probably feel guilty. I know I did when I thought about breaking it off or leaving. Don't be - it's not your fault and it's not your responsibility. It's not worth it. And she was in therapy off and on for years, which obviously didn't work either.
There will never be a better opportunity than now. If you have to ask the question of what to do on this forum, you are not prepared to take this on long-term. Still I stuck things out, deciding not to judge her, and to enjoy her for the person she could be and not who she was in the past. Throughout our relationship I dealed with everything imaginable, from her manipulating me to extents I was not aware human beings were capable of, to pitting other people against me, threatening suicide if I left her or kicked her out of my house, blaming everything on me, and the list goes on and on.
She forced herself into my house first promising to stay only a week and persuaded me to share my car with her for a month even though I paid for most the gas.
Admittedly I cheated on her throughout our relationship a total of maybe 3 times, which only worsened the situation severly, as she already had major trust and abandonment issues, but at the time, in my erroneous line of thinking, that was my only escape from the traumatic emotional turmoil she subjected me to on a daily basis.
Eventually I kicked her out and we continued things with an on again off again basis, but ultimately I left her for someone else. The week I left her she spent threatening suicide, returning to her somatic behavior, threatening to harm me and murder the girl I left her for, threatening to damage my car, but ultimately begging me to stay with her, to at least remain her friend, and to work things out over time, pretending we would have some sort of future together.
After I made it clear to her this would never, ever be the case, she went back to her violent and angry ways, and further subjected me to the "regular" dramatic behavior she fell into on a daily basis. I can not begin to list either the number of issues she has individually or the number of issues I had to deal with because of her poor relationship skills.
Still beneath that she was extremely intelligent, attractive and, when she was not going down the path of self-destruction, lots of fun to be with. At this point things have finally, finally ended, and while I am out financially and am still getting over the endless drama myself, I feel my life finally returning to a happy normal.
I have spent some time reading up on the disorder as well as some other articles on the web, which have made me realize I am not alone in dealing with this and that a lot of her issues are really not her fault. So much of what she has been put through in her childhood is accountable for who she is today, and while for a while I felt mostly anger towards her, now I feel a great deal of sympathy.
Now I am just trying to be understanding, as I will see her a final time this week in a college course we took together, and then likely never again. Though she has decided to keep a large amount of money she owes to me I have decided to drop it as I can not legally pursue it nor would it be worth doing so if I could and give her the things I have of hers back anyways. At this point I am just trying to be the bigger person. Unfortunately she is not returning any favors, but when I decided to try to be understanding, I accepted that she would only try to manipulate me further anyways, and am okay with things.
The whole relationship has been a real mess, and while we had some really, really great times together, the misery and hardships have outweighed them all.
Do not date her if she is not self-aware and committed to employing self-discipline. Do not date her if your intentions are not good, as you will only contribute to her pain otherwise. Set boundaries, expect them to be respected, and do not be apologetic about them.
These would be the same boundaries you would set for any romantic partner: No abuse, lying, cheating, destruction of property, or attempts to control you as a human being should be tolerated, regardless of who your partner is. PwBPD often respond favorably to boundaries, in the long run. These boundaries must also all apply to you. Establish what is considered fair in your relationship early on and revisit it. You might have to take the lead. PwBPD can begin to harbor resentment when they perceive unfairness, and can misinterpret a lack of balance as an indication that you do not value them.
Come to agreements first, and uphold them. Do not make false promises during this time. Make a pact of sorts that you are here to bring each other peace. She may feel, on some level, that romantic love must be intense to be true.
This is one of the most self-sabotaging delusions of BPD. Keep your own oxygen mask on. Do not make the relationship about her alone. Make it about the union and dynamic. Do not take her BPD personally. Be above it, in a way, in understanding that she would have similar problems regardless of who her partner is. Do not reduce her to a concept; she is much more than a diagnosis. Don't throw the diagnosis in her face. Read about pwBPD, not from the viewpoints of jilted lovers and angry exes, but from the viewpoints of people who offer insight and peaceful perspectives and resolutions.
Encourage her to find herself and her own true identity. Do not allow her to make you the center of her universe, even though it might feel exhilarating initially. She needs a bit of inner space and independent strength in order to function at her best, even if she does not know this yet.
Expect her to do something that is pushing her towards betterment. We all do best with someone who is moving in an upwards direction. This is especially important if we are with someone in a lot of pain.
If this means going to therapy, that is great. If this means looking into her own solutions, that is great, too. Be a good influence on her. Can you offer her peace as well? Can you have your own inner space, a sort of untouchable strength that helps you witness life without becoming emotionally sucked into it?
Can you be the reasonable person when she cannot? Can you kindly, lovingly point out the illusions that cause her unnecessary pain? Can you encourage her to live in the present moment, loosen her attachment to her pain, loosen the grip the past has on her?
Can you help her see inferiority and superiority are illusions? Read about love and ask her to do the same, so there is some common understanding of how to approach the relationship.
I would also recommend listening to Eckhart Tolle pieces about relationships available on YouTube , as they offer insight into why we cannot find salvation in another person. When we no longer feel we need a person, we are able to cling less, and simply appreciate , making a healthier dynamic. Be attuned to the fact that she will be sensitive to perceived threats. If an argument occurs, look through what she's saying to the root of it, and you will likely see that it stems from feeling inferior, not valued, or scared of you, in a way.
When you see this, approach it by addressing these deeper issues. PwBPD have a lot to offer a partner, despite the way others speak about them. They are individuals, however, and some will create more pain than peace. Do not be afraid to want a healthy relationship and be clear that without health in the relationship, it will self-destruct.
Do not say you will stay with her forever no matter what. This is disingenuous and ultimately enabling. With the right balance of warmth, support, kindness, patience, and love; as well as your own self-respect, the relationship can blossom, and so can she. I would take inventory on myself before even considering. If this is your style, just run away because you are in for the wrong reasons and your codependency on the happiness level of another will not be a positive turnout with a BPD partner - they only get so happy..
Because you will be stressed in extraordinary ways. It's not a slam against them, it just speaks to the idea that you better be rock solid and even willing to leave when the going gets too rough and have boundaries.
A lot of people lose themselves to the relationship with BPD and it can change them for the worse. It can be scar them Partners of Borderlines have been known to take their own lives in the end because of the stress and inability to attain the codependent goal of keeping them happy.Pt. 1. The Impossible Connection: Loving Someone w/ Borderline Personality Disorder. See Warning
So this is more about you and your thresholds. You will feel like a helpless failure at times in this relationship You might be attracted to this person because she reminds you of your mother's dysfunction and attachment style. You might be trying to repair a failed relationship with a dysfunctional mother through this new and rebooted relationship. If so, Maybe you should go sort out your relationship issues with mother directly.
I'm sure this sounds odd AGAIN - Partners of Borderlines have been known to take their own lives in the end because of the stress and inability to attain the codependent goal of keeping them happy.
So all of these things are about you, not the BPD. If you have a fake self-confidence in public, but a are a pushover in interpersonal relationships, prepare to die.
This is not for you. If you are someone that naturally has a quitting point and firm boundaries Please google "Haven't we met before" by Shari Schreiber that explains the attraction between narcissistic codeps and Borderlines.
It is an enduring match made in dysfunctional heaven where both are in it for opposing reasons A taker and giver. Guess which one you will be. This is not a slam, it is just is. BPD forums are full of self-admissions to their behaviors, so maybe go see who they share relationship experiences first-hand.
None of this is the worst thing that can be said about a person. The general rule for interacting with this woman goes something like this. Then a person with BPD in that order. You will most likely go on the defensive the moment a conflict arises in the relationship.
You will shut her out on the grounds of perceived manipulation. And the relationship will fail spectacularly, with either you, her, or both of you coming away from it with more suffering than necessary. If she is BPD in denial exit immediately. There is no hope and considerable danger for you personally.
If she has accepted her diagnosis and is in ongoing BPD treatment not general therapy exit immediately and check back with her in 12 months. BPD treatment is a lifelong undertaking and many simply drop out and return to bad habits that have the potential to inflict damage on you beyond your wildest imagination.
It wont matter to her that she appears in the text messages as she will by then be psychotic and disassociated from reality. By that time she will have morphed into a different person very different from the person you see right now. Its a train that you cannot stop and one that will run you down.