A fair dose of good manners and right conduct if enough to keep proper etiquette between friends. Ask New Question Sign In. What is common etiquette for non-exclusive relationships? Have you done the 10k year challenge? Advance through the ages of human history and into the future in this award-winning city building game.
I'm strong enough to admit that I wouldn't be, and that I'm okay with saying, "me, and only me".
What is non exclusive dating
Luckily, I have a husband who feels the same way. You are only setting yourself up for heartache and drama and unhappiness. Why are you doing that? I recommend you high-tail it to your own therapist so that you can understand why you'd allow yourself to be in an inappropriate relationship like this one. You can address your control and other issues in therapy as well. You have way too many other issues going on in your life to get serious about this guy. Personally, I wouldn't risk it.
I'd stop now because it won't go anywhere I want to be. And I'd rather keep the relationship a great memory than a time suck where I invested my emotions and my days that would eventually yield me nothing. Also, does it make you feel any differently that he's telling the other women he's involved with the same things he's telling you?
It's by far the best book out there about non-monogamous relationships. And please remember that if it turns out that non-monogamy doesn't work for you, that doesn't mean that there's anything wrong with you. Different people have different relationship styles, and if monogamy turns out to be your preferred relationship style, that's good.
But if you are doing it to hang on to him, it will not work. He will not be hung on to. That is his whole point. You will just feel like you have sold out a part of yourself in exchange for a bill of goods. He doesn't seem super proud of his job, he has some minor financial problems, etc That person is just all kinds of trouble. Ask me how I know. I'm imagining myself here, so this may not apply to your situation at all.
But even if I went to therapy to address my codependent tendencies and read books and learned how to let go of obsessive worries, I would STILL want my future to look like a monogamous relationship.
That is something that won't be "fixed" by therapy and self-help - it is my personal preference, like liking Reese's peanut butter cups, and knitting. Therapy to address this part of your personality that you rightly, I think don't like and find problematic. Realizing that this man doesn't fit into a personal preference of yours for the other bit.
And proceeding from there. Frankly based on what you said about being controlling, about testing, about checking about cheating, etc.
The Pros And Cons Of Nonexclusive Dating
If you are with a guy who is monogamous, it seems like the dynamic between you and him will take you on the same journey you've been on before, which didn't last. You know, it sounds to me like you're a person who is not comfortable with nonmonogamy, but people have let you down and so now you feel like you don't get to have love unless you compromise your own desires and 'let' your partner be with other people.
If that's not what you want, don't do it. Don't force yourself to do something that makes you feel sad and alone just because it's trendy and 'enlightened'. It will go a little ways to assuage the imbalance you're feeling here. But beware the trap of just randomly hooking up with some guy that will just make you feel worse about how you'd rather be with Your Dude, and Your Dude is with someone else right now.
Another thing you could do is put a time limit on it. Like, you KNOW he isn't a long term fit for you, because he doesn't want monogamy and you do and there's nothing wrong with that. But, as you say, he gives you a lot that you need right now. Maybe you let this go through the end of the year, knowing it's finite - it has to be finite - and start next year fresh? I have read a little bit about non-monogamy -- Opening Up and the Ethical Slut: And really it is!
But it's also not for me. I have a sense that it is not for you either. It's good to know what works for you in a relationship. So read about it if you want some background. But if you know yourself and if you know you want to be in a committed monogamous relationship, then that's what you should look for. Especially given I had my first date with an incredibly exciting, awesome new guy about 6 weeks ago I do get to see him almost any time I'm available - I'm not left sitting around lonely This isn't a supportive relationship with somebody you are close to.
This is a fling. It sounds like a pleasant enough distraction but ultimately not something that will be very good for you. The statements about I'm so over-the-moon happy when I'm with him, and he makes me feel incredible He makes me feel good and special do not actually read as positives here; you sound like you are in a place where you need to get right with you, first.
If a guy you have only known for a month and a half is generating that much superficial excitement, you have probably been neglecting you; you should be able to feel incredible, etc, without external assistance. It is a great thing to have a partner who can complement feeling incredible, but this person isn't a partner and at six weeks he isn't even a friend, despite what your limerence is telling you, and it's unlikely that a lot of lasting good is going to come out of an intense fling from a difficult period of your life.
If you can dial it down and view it as a transient thing where the optimal outcome is just: I have a few thoughts about this, mostly in the form of questions.
You say he's not ready and may never be. I kept reading the question looking for what he has said about that, but I didn't see it. When you've talked about this with him, what has he told you?
Did he say he may never be ready?
You also say you have a tendency to form intense relationships quickly. Now you're in a relationship with someone you've been seeing for six weeks and you're already trying to crowbar yourself into being okay with an open relationship when historically you've had a lot of issues with insecurity, jealousy, control and deliberate drama because of how great and intense and wonderful this relationship is.
In what way, other than non-monogamy, is this relationship different from the other intense relationships you've jumped into in the past? Look, I'm sure this dude is great and does all the great things you want out of a guy, and if he meets your needs right now, that's fine.
But I get the sense that you're someone who really loves the endorphin rush of early relationships - which is fine, because it's a wonderful thing - but love can make us a little less wise than our usual selves. It's fine if none of it fazes you, but the way he's trying to handle it - I'm sorry, but that should faze you. If I were dating someone and they told me that they needed to fuck other people because they had low self-esteem, I would probably laugh in their face, but your mileage may vary.Exclusive vs. Relationship
If they then told me that multiple relationships - including our own - was a way for them to self-medicate, I would laugh even harder and then tell them to get the fuck out. If you had a friend who said, "I'm dating this awesome new guy. Oh, by the way, he dates multiple people as a way of dealing with his low self-esteem and I am one of those people," what would you tell them? I get the sense that you maybe have a tendency to throw caution to the wind when you're caught up in the passion of dating someone new and getting excited about them, maybe sometimes to your own detriment.
I think it's a good thing if this guy excites you and makes you happy and all that, but I also think that you sound like someone who's fundamentally monogamous and trying to reason herself out of being monogamous so she can keep having the thrill of this guy.
And that doesn't work. You can't reason with the heart. That said, if dating this guy right now is working for you, then that's awesome and you should keep doing it.
I don't think there is a way for you to force yourself to be okay with his dating other people, and it may get harder as time goes on. Truthfully, this doesn't seem like a relationship that has a hugely promising future, at least from where I sit.
Also, both because of the overall question and the way you described your behavior in past relationships: Even people who are really into poly and like it for its own sake find it stressful at times. Don't fight yourself if you don't want to do it. This kind of says it all. Maybe you should just enjoy it for now knowing that he has given you permission to break up guilt free.
Once you get past the first throes of sexual desire some of his issues will likely start to bother you more. It's perfectly reasonable if you don't want someone you're having sex with to be having sex with someone else.
Normally I'd say six weeks was way too soon for exclusive dating, but then I'm one of those old-fashioned people who would wait longer than six weeks to have sex with someone. Once you've crossed that Rubicon, I am also old-fashioned enough to think it changes things.
Put me in a glass case and stand me in a museum, I guess. But apparently it did change things for you. You started the relationship on nonexclusive terms, so he's not misleading you. But it turns out that what he's offering is not what you want.
You have every right to change your mind, but that means walking away.
Otherwise, you have to face that or you're going to be emotionally torturing yourself. Asking this question is like asking how you can saw your arm off at the elbow without feeling pain at any point. You should take some time to work on your control and trust issues, but even when that's settled, it's totally ok to want a monogamous partner.
I wouldn't want my dude dipping his pretzel in someone else's mustard either. Having already been married twice, and now questioning a six week relationship, maybe in addition to the control and trust issues, you should look into whether or not "settling" is an issue for you.
Do you go along with partners that seem "good enough" even if in your gut something is bothering you about the relationship, like right now? As far as living in the present, do whatever the hell you want. IF you don't then don't and allow yourself to do so without an excuse. These relationships only work if both of you are open about it from the beginning. As a guy, it sounds like he just wants to hook up and have fun.
If you are OK with that, go for it, but be aware that it may not last. I think this is an excellent opportunity to practice enjoying someone without losing yourself in the limerance and the struggle to form a permanent bond. I say this coming out of a long period of quickly developing heavy relationships with codependant qualities myself.
It is a huge relief to finally have a crush on someone and enjoy it without making it into my raison d'etre. Can you spend time with him, have sex with him and even love him in a way that doesn't involve engineering yourself to be suited for this relationship? If you can't, then you should start seeing a therapist and stop seeing him and learn how.
Please, please don't try to "fix" yourself for him. The therapist will help you with that, but they certainly won't do it so you can date this person. Non-monogamy is great for many and maybe you can swing it with him, but you won't end up anywhere good thinking about this the way you are now. It's not a question of "being ready to commit" to one person when someone's preferred relationship style is non-monogamous; I know plenty of people who are committed to two or three or more partners.
It sounds like you are also self-medicating via your interactions with this guy. What you describe sounds more like getting high than being in a relationship. You're married contentiously divorcing , so not exactly available yourself; you have a lot of grown-up responsibilities and forgive me, but "kids who take some of my time" raises an eyebrow This guy is probably a very welcome diversion from all that. Since breaking up with him isn't an option, per your Ask, then you have two options as I see it: He chooses to end things with you at some point, for whatever reason on his end.
Are you OK with getting dumped after spending x-amount of time bending yourself to fit what he wants?
Will you feel used, or will you feel OK that it was just a temporary, mutually-fun time? A meeting on Black Twitter? I wish that before I started seriously dating about a year ago that I was informed that exclusive dating was so I was very bothered by this idea and I had questions.
How can you really get to know someone when that person is dating multiple people? Is this person having sex with all these people they are dating? However, once I got over it and accepted that non-exclusive dating was the norm I started considering the potential benefits.
Before I get into the top 3 benefits of non-exclusive dating, I want to dispel some myths about non-exclusive dating. If you are seeing multiple people then you must be having sex with them. You can choose to have sex with no one or choose to exclusively have one sexual partner.
Sexual partners and dating partners are not synonymous. Communicate with the people you are dating and establish clear boundaries that you feel comfortable with for each person. You have the time to date multiple people; however, you may have to limit the amount of time that you are spending with each person. Still not convinced you can date with a busy schedule.
This is nice, especially if you are just coming out of a relationship that was super possessive points finger to self. If I want to go to the supermarket and read every label on every can of soup, I can do it. Telling the truth is not a crime anymore.
It goes hand in hand with the soup labels. Just think about it. You better make damn sure this is the right person.
Dating is essentially figuring out if that person is the one. I actually enjoy being alone. Not saying which, but one of those is true. That decision is up to that person.
Guilt only works for so long and then it wears out. My ideas are essentially the same with nonexclusive relationships.