To do this, you should first disclose your new relationship to your ex-partner and set boundaries. You should then focus on fostering a positive relationship with the best friend so all your hard work is worth it. There are 10 references cited in this article, which can be found at the bottom of the page. Make sure your feelings for the best friend are real. Though you may be wrapped up in emotion right now, you should pause and consider how deep your feelings are for the best friend.
I realize that what she does is not my business anymore and I have to deal with my feelings. I am quite introverted I did not make new friends since high school. If I want to keep my very few friends which I do , I am bound to come across the couple eventually.
I don't have to interact with both Jane and Mike, but I want to. Chances are that if I wanted to break any contact with them, I would lose all my friends. I would like to keep in touch with these friends and keep hanging out with them regularly. I want to keep my friends including Mike and basically not address the fact of them dating.
That would be awkward for everybody, so I am looking for a solution which would do the least damage to friendships and still keep my face. My issue is that given our history, I have no idea how to interact with them when it comes to it.
What would be a mature way to handle it? I'll start out by quoting apaul's very gracious answer:. It's good to recognize they can do what they want, but your feelings are also valid. If these people are your friends, they should care about you too.
Dodging the issue and sweeping it under the rug won't do anything to reduce tension, it will only allow it to fester. Maybe Mike feels just as awkward about it as you do and is planning to remove himself from the friend group so you don't have to see him - you won't know until you talk to him. Pretending they aren't dating is not a viable solution, so you might as well deal with it.
Approach the conversation with a goal in mind. Do you want an apology? Do you want to know XYZ? Do you want him to never talk about XYZ? Do you just want to say your piece? This will help keep you on track if things get difficult. Try to stay focused and calm during the conversation - remember that he didn't do this to hurt you - and don't be afraid to take a step back if you need to. If your goal is just "be not awkward around Mike", what would that look like for you?
Try to frame it as unemotionally as possible. Perhaps this means "we won't talk about Jane", "we will acknowledge each other at events and act civilly, but I won't expect him to talk to me one-on-one".
Take this to your conversation, too, and discuss ground rules and expectations for your relationship with Mike going forward. If Mike responds poorly, that sucks, but now you know. Talk to your other friends in the group - they are surely aware of the situation - about how to approach it.
It’s never OK to date your friend’s ex – and this is why
Maybe you can get together without Mike on occasion try not to make them pick sides, though , or maybe you just need to distance yourself for a while. Hopefully they will be understanding. If they take sides, that's again very unfortunate, but sometimes happens, and I suggest AndreiROM's advice to find a new group that is more caring about you.
I had such a conversation a few months ago. While it didn't magically make everything OK, the strategy of preparing questions and getting them answered made me feel satisfied that it went about as well as possible, and helped my peace of mind about dealing with that particular person in the future. Your story is a little confusing, however the overarching theme is that your ex, and your friends are walking all over you. My advice to you is to look deep inside, realize that you're worth more than this, and move on with your life.
Here are some hard facts:. Anyone willing to hook up with your friend behind your back is not worth the time of day. She's a cheater, and always will be.
Purge every trace of her from your life. Any so called friend who would hook up with your girlfriend behind your back is a back-stabbing fiend, and not worth having around. You seem to be in a fragile state of mind, but those things cannot be ignored.
If you think you can simply rejoin the circle of "friends", and act like nothing's happened, then you think less of yourself than even they do.
I urge you to find new friends. Get out there, join a club, start up a new hobby! Find a reason to gain value in your own self before seeking the approval of strangers. Learn a new language and travel. Start painting, hiking, wall climbing, whatever captures your imagination. But stop fixating on these leeches you seem to think are your friends. You're young, and it seems like without these people in your life you may be left alone, but give yourself some time to gain perspective.
Trust in your own worth, and abilities. Focus on having this episode in your life become the moment you changed for the better, not on how you might ingratiate yourself with a bunch of back-stabbing a-holes who care nothing for you. This is a situation I've found myself on all sides of over the years. The times I found myself in your position, there was usually the instinct to think and sometimes say:.
It hurts to feel rejected by a partner, it hurts more when your friend " betrays " you and starts seeing your ex. I know how that feels and I know it sucks. Even if your friend had come to you first and told you about their intentions, it still hurts. It's easy to say that if they had done things this way, or that way, it would hurt less, but in my experience it doesn't. Having been in the others roles of this situation, I can tell you that they didn't do that to you.
Give your ex time to process the news. Be prepared for your ex to be upset and unsettled by news of your new relationship.
Rather than try to get your ex to accept the news, you should give your ex time to process the situation. You may also give your ex space to process by opting out of get together with mutual friends.
Ask the best friend to give your ex-partner space. You may also talk to the best friend and recommend that you both give your ex space and time to process. Sometimes, people just need to digest emotional information and come to terms with a sensitive situation.
So, over time, the best friend may be able to reach out to your ex and explain their side of the story. This may help your ex accept your new relationship and also avoid ruining the friendship between the best friend and your ex. Accept that your ex may not be okay with the relationship. Though you may try your hardest to get your ex-partner to understand and accept your new relationship, it may not always be possible.
Your ex-partner may be too upset by the relationship and have a hard time being okay with your new romance. Your ex may also be angry that their best friend became involved with someone from their past.
You may need to learn to accept that having your new relationship means letting go of your relationship with your ex-partner. Over time, your ex may come around and accept the situation.
But you cannot force your ex to do this.
Avoid comparing the best friend to your ex. To create a healthy relationship with the best friend, you should avoid comparisons between the best friend and your ex. Your relationship is not a competition and the best friend has different qualities than your ex.
Comparing the best friend and your ex will just lead to conflict and tension in your new relationship.
Maybe he tends to plan more intimate dates at home, and your ex would go all out with an expensive dinner for date night. Rather than compare the two, focus on the positives of each approach. Then, remind yourself that you are with the best friend because he does things differently and offers different things than your ex did.
Trash talking your ex, in front of the best friend or with other friends, will only create more tension between your ex and the best friend. Your hurtful words about your ex may make your new partner upset. This could then lead to tension and conflict between the two of you. Allow the best friend to spend time with your ex. For the sake of your new relationship, you should try to be okay with your new partner spending time with your old partner. Not saying that you need to abandon all hope.
Just pair it with a healthy supplement of reality. After our split, one of his friends posted to Facebook, asking if anyone had a pool that he and his daughter could use. So, I commented on his post that I did.
Mind you, this friend was just that… a friend. We did community style dinners. We played video games together and got extremely competitive. Moments after he responded to say thanks, Butthead decided that he HAD to step in and make a comment.
You should get Other Friend to bring his girl out too, so they can play. Yes, it was just like that. I remember it verbatim because I had to read it so many times to try and make sense of what had just happened.
He had messaged friend-guy and proceeded to ream him with accusations of breaking the bro code. No matter what we told him, he was convinced we were sleeping together.Dating My Ex Girlfriend's Best Friend
He basically dissolved their friendship over it. They had been friends for close to 10 years. The mere thought that his friend was seeing his ex was driving him bananas.
Dating ex girlfriend best friend
And I will point out three important bits of information. I think they began as a simple set of rules of common decency. If anything, it just gives me a way to understand their motivations.
Most people in your situation find themselves facing the fear of having someone share our secret selves with someone else. His automatic go-to after we split was to go on the offensive. Which is understandable, he thought I would take the breakup poorly.
He cut off a year friendship over something he just imagined was going on. But you should try and handle it with grace. And it will affect the chances of you two reconciling. What it will tell you is that you will need to take some time away from your ex. That means no drunk dialing, no turning up, and definitely no making a scene.
Generally, the rule for how long it should last is based on a study that resulted in the realization that it takes 66 days to make or break a habit.
Yet, you see most other programs similar to our insisting that you take days of No Contact. To be honest, not only would that be unbearable, but it would literally walk your ex to the door that opens to getting over you.