New girlfriend is still using dating website! Previous 1 2 3 template Next. June 28th, , We get on so well and are such a good happy match! Its the best start to a relationship ive had!!
But even if that's not what's happening Time to move on. What shes doing be is bullshit. It is likely that you are now a standby boyfriend. She is shopping for your replacement, but she's too chicken to break it off with you first.
People do use OKCupid to meet friends. It's not the norm, but it's not completely unheard of. If your girlfriend is lonely and the people she likes to hang out with skew towards the OKCupid demographic, and she's bored enough that she thought it might be amusing to create a profile and browse through people, all of that is pretty much not a big deal. The guy she's hanging out probably does want to sleep with her.
If your girlfriend is happy in her relationship and not looking for anything more, then she'll set clear boundaries on their friendship and that should all be fine as well. If he makes overtures that are unwelcome to her, she'll stop hanging out with him, or tell him she doesn't have feelings for him.
Your real problem is that you seem colossally insecure and uncertain of whether or not your girlfriend is actually in a secure and happy relationship with you. Address that uncertainty, one way or another, and the rest of this situation will take care of itself, one way or another. I know this part is tough -- believe me, I know -- but don't let this fear keep you in a bad relationship. If she really made a big mistake and is sorry, she can prove she deserves the benefit of the doubt by choosing you and cutting this other guy off.
If she is just kind of naive possible for someone so introverted perhaps she could read this other thread in which the consensus is that older men are rarely ever interested in being platonic friends with young women. This might help her open her eyes and cut this other guy off.
Then take the initiative and stop just letting it happen to you. Adding to the chorus: The timing is the most problematic bit for me -- using a dating site to members of the opposite sex, alone, who are in open relationships isn't necessarily out of bounds, but it's awfully close to the line for me.
And it would be a giant red flag for me if my partner did not have a conversation with me before something like this happened. Add that to all of the time she's spending with him, and the red flag starts on fire and I'd end the relationship. If you have described this accurately, you are being used by the person you claim is your girlfriend. Definitely leave her as you deserve much better. There's no need to talk about it with her, she doesn't deserve it. Just never contact her again and don't respond to her.
When something you feel as "paranoia" becomes justified, in retrospect it was not paranoia at all but simply that you were paying attention. Are you paying attention? While I'm not about to dissect your girlfriend's motivations, older men in open relationships are absolutely not putting themselves out there on dating websites even dating websites that have a tacked-on "just friends: Yes, utterly platonic older-man-younger-woman relationships exist in the world, but is it ever a losing gamble to think older men are messaging young women on OK Cupid to go bowling.
I keep getting stuck on how you describe her, repeatedly, as lonely. In what way, and do you know for what reasons? Did she recently move? Is it just the introversion preventing her from socializing generally?
Because while I know a relationship partner can't be a girl's Everything, it's a little strange for someone in a committed relationship to describe herself as cripplingly lonely.
The guy I'm seeing is still using dating sites. What should I do?
Usually, their partner keeps them company quite a bit. And you seem a little removed and tuned out of her actions, you find out about everything after the fact--is this a long distance relationship for you two? Do you not spend a lot of time together, and is that how it's always been? How is the relationship, generally? Because while it does sound like she's on the hunt for your replacement, she might not even know it.
She might honestly be trying to fill the gaps and not realize she's playing with fire. Or kind of realize it but be in super-high denial.
Nthing comments above that the other dude is almost assuredly up to no good, however. So, he told her he was in an open relationship.
It just doesn't sound kosher. That's the plain fact of the matter. You're uneasy and she doesn't care very much. I'd let the relationship die of attrition. Just don't call, text or email her anymore. If it gets to 48 hours with no contact from her of any kind, your answer is: I met this cool new guy on OKC. Or, you can simply break up. I would like to be a monogamous relationship and it seems like you're testing the waters by putting your profile out there and meeting with people you could have an attraction to.
I want to break up. But let's get real. Women have as much agency as men do in relationships. So what you're really afraid of is the two of them go off together and leave you in the dust. Call her on this bullshit and break up with her. Why aren't the three of you hanging out together? On reflection, there might be a few elephants, but for me this is the biggest one.
I would end it at this point. Failing that, ask her to bring you along next time she meets the guy. If she says no, the klaxons are sounding and it's time to make for the exits. If she says yes, go along. I suspect that after spending a couple of hours with the two of them you will have a pretty good idea of how innocent it is. Your girlfriend is almost certainly cheating on you, and if you don't get out soon, it's going to mess with your mind much more than it already has, and you will be left with horrible trust issues which could interfere with your next relationship.
It sounds like she's not happy in her current relationship, but doesn't have the backbone or certainty to admit it to you or, maybe, even herself. But by hanging out with someone who's clearly got the upper hand as far as power dynamics go, I think she's waiting for him to make the move--so that it's "not her fault. It also sounds like she's setting herself up to get hurt, both by the choices she's making in your relationship, and by getting involved with this older guy.
I feel pretty sympathetic to the situation she's in--even if you gracefully and sweetly tell her it's over, I don't think she'll be able to extricate herself from this situation without hurt--and either way, she's not behaving ethically within the bounds of your relationship.Being Married Vs. Dating
If I were you, I'd ask her if she is committed to you and only you, or if she wants to be in an open relationship which sounds like she's already treating it that way. I'm a girl with guy friends but when I'm in a committed relationship I introduce them to my boyfriend and want everyone to be friends.
My girlfriend still goes on dating sites
For this to work all 3 of you need to be friends. Besides the whole trust issue, setting up a dating profile to laugh at people is pretty mean and immature. If my boyfriend did that I would consider it a serious character flaw. People who want to make friends make friends in front of their SO. She didn't disclose she had "made a friend" until after it happened.
Have you met this guy? I have a lot of male friends who are exclusively my friends Not friends individually with Mr. Kitty but hang out with my husband and me on occasion. She was lonely as you stated and most likely wanted the attention any woman gets on a dating site.
Her couching it by not putting up a picture doesn't matter. I don't feel it's controlling to tell her this behavior is not acceptable to you. She is effectively having at minimum am emotional affair with this guy. Telling her to knock it off is not controlling, it's setting your own boundaries. Get to know the guy - make sure he knows you exist etc - and see what vibes you get then.
She has framed her relationship with this man to you in a certain way, you have believed her to a certain extent, and I'm guessing you've also talked yourself round to try and ignore the obvious because almost anything is better than the truth.
It's going to be hard for you to read some of these responses but she's dating another man right in front of your face. Forgot how you might come across, respect yourself, and end the relationship immediately.
This isn't terribly uncommon: You know, things where "one thing led to another" and "before we knew it" they "wound up in bed together" and they feel awful but "just couldn't help it. This is the kind of thing people do when they don't have the guts to confront their problems head-on. Instead, they look for easy outs or mindless distractions. I don't know which your girlfriend is looking for in this specific scenario. I'd keep this in mind for future relationships: It's not necessarily a sign of a cheater, but it's not a good sign.
Break up with her. Both your reaction and hers. I'd be worried, too. The whole dating site thing is kind of a red herring; while it's definitely a place with many romantically inclined dudes, it's also possible, though rare, that people end up as friends.
And if, say, your next girlfriend met someone on meetup. Thing is, the venue isn't really the most important factor. Now this actually is a worrisome.
Older predatory boastful guy, young bored girl, "swinging", I mean, not to stereotype but older dudes generally don't find much reason to be true platonic friends with much younger shy girls. This is where your question got weird. Therapy might help you out here. Thing is, plenty of sensitive people get cheated on; it's really just another way for a relationship to end.
You should be in a healthier place about this. Is it because you have issues with women lying? Is it because you feel like you're in competition with other men?
Is it because you feel inadequate? Whatever it is, it's a psychological hang up you need to explore and overcome. Get to the point where you're like, this cheating cheater is just a baddish person or at least one who makes unethical decisions.
It has nothing to do with your failures and you can't control it. I'd just feel like, "Well, glad I learned her true nature, dodged a bullet. You should not order your girlfriend around. That is indeed being a controlling prick, and you can't do it anyway-it's ineffective and will only make her leave you.
However, telling her your honest thoughts and explaining to her that you will leave her if you are unhappy is totally normal and is sticking up for yourself. Paranoia and rage is a bit much. I'd more feel something like, "Fuck this bullshit, I can do better than this. I'd laugh in her face, break up with her, and change my number, but I'm a bitch.
I'd probably have one warning conversation first, and maybe activate my own okcupid account. Whoa whoa whoa whoa. She signed up for OKC, filled out questionnaires for days, got bites, went on a date with someone Dude, run far away. People use OkC to make friends. People who are in exclusive relationships and who are considerate of their partner's feelings would be transparent and honest about using OKC to make friends before even making a profile.
They would also let their partner know that they're welcome to meet new friend anytime. Your girlfriend did none of those things. I wouldn't be ok with that at all. The problem is how she's handled this from the start. The problem isn't her new friend. I have used dating and hookup sites to make platonic friends. But then, that is the super-power of gay guys. But, it sounds like you are being set up.
You can dump her and be the paranoid, controlling boyfriend who wouldn't let her hang out with her friends.
Really, the only way out of this without being that jerk is to ask to hang out with together. If she declines, ask why. If she agrees then you probably don't have anything to worry about. I just don't buy that she's not cheating, or planning to. If I were a lonely girlfriend, I would never in a million years use a dating site to make "friends. This stinks to high heaven.
My family used to joke about how I always had a boyfriend and someone on deck. This is the type of thing I would have done. I'm not saying that your girlfriend is a shitty person to date but right now, she's acting that way.
I agree that you should meet the other guy. I think you should really do a double date - he's in an open relationship? You should meet the person he is seeing too. That way, everyone might be able to get on the same page. But just to be clear, she is accepting applications for her next boyfriend.
Introducing my current boyfriend to my future boyfriend is something I definitely did when I was a shitty person to date. She may be lying to herself and you-- or she may be lying just to you. Check your parachute and hit the eject button, because this relationship is going down in flames, and the sooner you are completely away from her, the lower your percentage of third degree burns will be. She made a profile on OKcupid so she could meet a man.
In my opinion, she's either cheating, or she's creating the opportunity to cheat. It's like a guy who quit drinking but still goes to the bar to hang out. He's an idiot who will soon be drinking again. And your girlfriend will soon be cheating. Don't bother meeting the other guy. What you really need to do is figure out what happens next in your relationship. What's going to change so that a year from now, she won't be looking for other men again.
What about two years from now? This sucks, but it's better to find out now rather than later. I disagree with the people stating that she is "dating another man". I don't think we can tell that from what you have posted.
I have kept my okcupid profile up through two long term relationships, and met many friends of both genders there while in a relationship. I've never had an affair or left anyone for a friend I met through a dating site. You need to have a conversation with her, not about the fact that she crossed a line that seems clear from the fact that she feels bad and has deleted the profile, but about why she did this behind your back, and what she is looking to get from the relationship with this dude.
If you guys can address the reasons why she did this you might be able to find a solution to her loneliness that you don't find so threatening. Are you are the only person in her life right now? If so she might be both resentful and terrified of you leaving.
She may have tried to make a friend completely separate from you to have someone 'safe' who will stay if you leave. If she is willing to be upfront with you and work to make you comfortable I'd say it's worth sticking with the relationship. If she can't give any sort of answer, or is vague and defensive, dump her and move on with your life.
Best case scenario, she surprises you with something totally innocent and easy to fix, like "I'm always begging you and my friends to go hiking but you are all homebodies. I know I can't force you guys to go with me, but it's something I really miss doing. This man loves hiking and I don't know how to meet other hiking friends! She is trying to feel OK about what she's doing by being somewhat forthcoming - telling you about the OKCupid profile and the dates. If you agree to meet him, she'll just feel relieved that she doesn't have to hide from you.
It'll just embolden her to keep going further and further down that road. Don't put any kind of imprimatur on what she's doing if you aren't in fact OK with what she's doing.
It sucks, but you have to talk to her and draw a line in the sand. You should not ask to meet the guy. If she asks you to meet him or arranges for the three of you to get together and do something, then do it. In fact, that she hasn't already introduced you and has continued to see him one-on-one regularly a couple of times a week without introducing you is perhaps the biggest red flag of all. Meeting him at your request would accomplish nothing.
It would not change the fact that she is dating him, it would not send a clear message that you are not comfortable with it, and it would not change his mind about dating her unless he has been, the entire time, in the dark about the fact that the woman he is dating has someone who thinks he's her boyfriend.
I cannot imagine a situation where you would meet the guy and suddenly you would be cool with your girlfriend dating him. What would you do if you met him?
It's not the other guy you're having a problem with - it's your girlfriend who is dating the other guy. Heh, one of my friends has an asshole dad who is a great source of "shitmydadsays" type quotes. He has a specific one he said to me and my friend who have both faced similar situations. She's not going to let go of the first branch until she gets a firm grip on the next one" what followed was a long, sexist rant about how all women are like that, but the meat of that quote is really applicable here She's basically trying to play both sides of the fence here.
She's bored with this relationship, but doesn't want to give up what she has until she has something else to fill the void that would be left if she just dumped you there's also a potential here for her just not wanting to be the person to initiate the breakup, ugh.
It's a bird in the hand Vs bird in the bush thing, and she's trying to get the potential reward without actually taking on any risk. She's still got you and can probably just keep shopping. This might sound cynical, and like the worst possible read of the situation, but seriously i read through this post twice and that was all i could think.
She met a guy on a dating site, and she's going on dates with him as "friends". This isn't some old friend from highschool, or a work friends, or some other person she has some previous platonic relationship or excuse to be hanging out with. They were both on a dating site looking for people to date and they found eachother.
Personally, i would think this relationship is toast if i was sitting in your chair. I would honestly highly prefer the person i was dating had just one-off fucked someone to them going on dates with them. Because that could just be impulsive "we wanted to have sex with eachother" Vs actual kindling the fire of a relationship date-y stuff like this. Also, as some people have said above, you're completely minimizing her agency in this here.
It's not just him pursuing and hanging out with her. This is an exchange, a dance. They're both doing this with eachother. He didn't like, steal her away from you or anything. They both went out shopping and now they're negotiating. I also lol at the not-future this likely has for your girlfriend if she leaves you for him, when his long distance relationship becomes a not-long distance one and she's left as the 3rd wheel in a unicorn type situation who will basically be sidelined for anything but sex.
But hey, that's my cynical imagination It's not your problem now, she made her bed, let her lie in it. Well, I completely understand where you are coming from and to me it definitely sounds iffy and out of line. I would let her know that you are uncomfortable with her continuing to see the guy and ask her to stop seeing him. Then if she doesn't stop, consider what to do from there i.
I am sure there are rational explanations that could justify this, but I think she is keeping you on the line while she checks out other models of boyfriend. If the right friend comes along, you will be dumped. I would use this opportunity to think long and hard about what your future might be with this gal and if it isn't long term and rosy, adios.
Her behavior is shitty, and she is lying to you. She signed up for the site, met a guy off of it, and THEN told you about it? I am listed as in a relationship and I also say in my "about me" that I am in a relationship and am only interested in making friends.
I still get plenty of messages from men who are interested in dating or casual sex. You are not overreacting. I'm going to assume that she's lonely because you and she aren't physically together right now. Here's a fun way to find out what's really going on: You should be able to tell a lot from her reaction, which will likely be very negative. If it is positive, go through with it and see if it stays positive once you've met a woman from OKCupid in real life.
Probably better to just let her know that you're not comfortable dating someone who's actively meeting people from a dating site, that you know she's lonely because you can't be there, and so you think it's best if you break up. I told him that was where we first started talking, so it wasn't odd that she had an account I was a little hurt but I figured maybe she's just curious and didn't want to accuse her of anything so I just blew it off. About 2 months later, the same acquaintance asked if I ever said anything to her, to which I replied, "no.
I reactivated my account to see it for myself, and lo and behold she was online. I asked her directly if she was still active on OKC to which she replied, "no.
She claimed that while she would occasionally go in to delete messages, she wasn't actively using her account to talk to anyone. She assured me that wasn't talking to anyone else and that she deactivated her account and so I left it at that. Cut to last week. We were out and about and during a conversation about crazy dates she mentions that she used to use a different dating website in addition to OKC.
I'm sure you can see where this is going. Sure enough, a quick search showed that she had been active within 5 days. I checked again later that night and sure enough she was online. When I asked her about it, she denied having any other active accounts. I told her I could see her online at that moment and she replied that she constantly gets promotional messages that she goes in to delete which doesn't make any sense to me, but I'm a dude so I assume it's different for women on dating sites.
She apologized and told me she wants to keep seeing me and said she doesn't our relationship to end over a misunderstanding. I guess what I'm not seeing is the misunderstanding.
I would assume that once you're in a committed relationship, you wouldn't need to keep logging into dating websites especially to just delete messages and why lie about it? We are supposed to meet up later this week to talk about everything. I do care about her quite a bit we've already used the "L" word and I'd like to keep seeing her I don't want to be the controlling boyfriend who is like, "don't talk to other people!
Delete all your accounts! Also, if you keep the app installs on your phone it can be very easy to be marked online by mistake. If you're clapping based on syllables, you're missing 2 claps.
If you're basing it on words, you're missing one clap. Her excuses hold no sort of validity. Not to mention, if you're asking her about them, she must know you know about them somehow and isn't even making a strong effort to make it seem like she isn't using them. We can't say one way or another if she's definitely cheating on OP, but she's definitely looking for "something else.
No arguments from me. It's all circumstantial evidence, but there is enough between that and the lying about it to let it go. So sayeth us denizens of the interwebs, but OP's gotta see it for what it is I guess.
Doesn't matter why she is logging in at this point, she has been lying her ass off to you. Would end it on that alone, all the rest is just more reason to. Time to say "Peace out, beee-otch! Even if she's not cheating, she's looking. Either for attention or something worse. It's not a good sign. There's no reason for her to be logging in that often. This isn't something that would be wise to just let go of. Personally, if someone I was dating confronted me about something like that and I wasn't messing around, I would have shown them my account's messages just to ease their mind.
The fact that she wasn't like "here, see? Don't waste your time or energy checking on her accounts. She doesn't even respect you enough to stop shopping for potential partners. You're worth more than this and you should end things and never look back. If she deleted her account she wouldn't get the promotional emails. She's lying to you, just leave. Please trust us and leave. She is probably addicted to the attention she gets. Unfortunately, the more interaction she has with online creeps the more likely she is to become accustomed to it, and ultimately let one of them talk her into sex.
Since you seem to care about her, you could try to help her break the habit. I can tell you right now, it won't be worth the effort. People who are weak willed and become addicts cannot be helped and should be discarded by people who cannot become addicts. Save your sanity, and let other addicts help them. But if it makes you feel good to try, more power to ya. Just tell her you told her you love her, and you like the feeling when she says she loved you, but you don't like the feeling you get when she behaves that way and you need to break up.
Sorry you are in the situation and I bet you have lots of ways to rationalize her behavior but bottom line is even in the best case scenario she is a liar. Dont waste your time. You are better than that. Dump her and move on with your life. I promise it will never get better only worse. Other people share my thoughts on why it's unlikely this relationship lasts, but let me give you a possible roadmap to the remote chances on how it might.
That she's logging into dating sites while you're exclusive: Based on your history, it sounds very much like she really didn't want to lose you - but agreed to go 'exclusive' when you asked and tried to have it both ways. If it was just that, you could still recover. But repeatedly lying about why she's doing so?
That's the bigger, uglier issue, and any small chance you have of sticking together is going to be determined by if she comes clean.