Dear Wendy is a relationship advice blog. You can read about me here , peruse the archives here and read popular posts here. You can also follow along on Facebook and Instagram. I got a gut feeling that something was wrong, and it turns out that he had been talking and texting a woman for months and then deleting texts. He then admitted that it was a customer at the restaurant where he works. I knew in my heart there was something more. I called the other woman from his phone, and I asked her what kind of relationship they had.
I imagine his suddenly cleaner lifestyle has a lot to do with this new woman. After all, he was with you for years and was overweight, under ambitious, and a drunk and then magically he looses 30 lbs, stops drinking, and is pursuing a GED. Trust me, he was doing it for her. He wanted to impress her. If you really love this man sounds like he has no redeeming qualities but maybe he does , get to therapy, but IMO he has checked out of the marriage and is looking to the next potential partner.
No matter what, I would suggest you talk to a divorce lawyer to at least know your options. I actually think he met and started flirting with the woman after he did all those other things GED, lost weight, cut back on drinking. I can imagine he was feeling pretty good about himself and when someone started showing interest, he enjoyed the attention.
It was a huge ego boost for him. I would consider MOAing, but if you really do love him and want it to work, you both need counseling. I really doubt it. I think LW needs to dump him. What is he bringing to the table? Rachel August 8, , Well, okay, sure, sometimes you should.
Miss V August 9, , My faith in humanity depends on it. Not really, but it helps. The lying has to stop. He needs to start working at being communicative and above-board about everything if he wants to rebuild your trust. How does one regain trust in a situation like this?
Alecia August 8, , 9: I think you trust your gut. And I also believe that lying might be the issue now, but it is the gateway drug to cheating. These behaviors, in my opinion build on one another. If he got caught lying now, the next time he might try harder not to get caught and actually go through with cheating.
Both of you also may want to consider individual counseling to deal with your own issues- his drinking, your issues. Good luck and I wish you the best in getting your PhD. I agree with Alecia. His lying will definitely improve, but maybe not his behavior.
How will you know? How can you trust? I think sometimes when people go through major life changes, including ones that improve themselves and their socioeconomic standing, that they can suddenly be mismatched with their partner.
Carl probably felt inferior to you for years as you seem to have your life together and he…did not. And he totally screwed up, I mean big time.
But the ball is in your court so you can go to counseling with him or you can jump into a divorce, which will cause a huge financial and emotional upheaval. Honestly, I would try to work things out through couples therapy before jumping into divorce-land.Signs he is dating other women - Is he seeing someone else besides me? #askRenee
Even with all the love in the world, it would take a very strong partner — man or woman — to not feel inferior in that situation. Eve Harrison August 8, , 9: See a marriage counsellor who can help you determine your next steps, assuming you want to continue marrying him. I know love surpasses economic and educational status, which is a definitely possibility for your relationship.
However, is it possible you started seeing him because of a shallow perception of how you saw yourself? The big problem is that he continued lying even when he was caught. He somehow believed if he kept lying all of this confrontation would some how go away.
What was he trying to protect himself from? I am a little concerned he may be feeling inadequate because his status [educationally, etc] does not match yours. He might be chasing tail simply to bolster the illusion of an inflated ego.
Either way his behavior cannot be excused. Give him a deadline to clean up his act. If he wants to earn your trust and salvage the marriage, he needs to see AA meetings. This way the alcohol can no longer cloud his judgement and he is forced to come to terms with the aspects of his life that makes him happy. If he is ready to take your marriage seriously, he will do this and he will see a marriage counselor with you.
He needs to want therapy, and he needs to want to change. Either way it sounds like you have a long road ahead, so good luck. Love is only half the battle. He may have stopped drinking for a couple of months, but most likely he will start again soon. Or he could be hiding his drinking from her as a closet alcoholic, which explains the lying somewhat.
Lynn August 8, , He very well might not be drinking. I was unaware until recently of the strong christian undertones of AA. Are there similar programs for other religions or atheists that do not believe in the G-d that AA espouses?
Temperance August 8, , He really hated the, as he called it, groveling and self-blame that characterized many of the people he knew in his AA groups, so he stopped going. Sorry for all the circumlocutions. SweetsAndBeats August 8, , 1: In NA, even more so. We have people who are atheists, we have Buddhists, etc etc.
I love that in NA, we are so diverse and we all make the same program work for ourselves. You need people, fellowship, and some sort of trust that things will work out if you keep trying. And I know atheists with fuckloads of clean time.
You just have to acknowledge that there is a power higher than yourself. That power can be nature, karma, any other deities, or even just a friend that you believe in a lot. I just have to pipe in… no one can label a person as an alcoholic except themselves.
His behavior does sound reckless, but he could just be reckless. Or is laissez-faire about consequences to his actions. Lynn August 8, , 2: I have several uncles and aunts who are without a doubt alcoholics or at least have severe issues with alcohol, but they will, never ever ever admit it or maybe even recognize it. Totaling cars, DUIs, excessive drinking every single day, dishonesty, inability to maintain a job, ankle bracelets… the list goes on and on for some of my relatives, but they have yet to ever say they have a problem.
Just to a higher power to recognize that there is something else out there that may be greater than yourself. It all depends on the person. I have also seen atheists and agnostics become Christians because of the program. EB August 8, , 3: Yes, the education thing is so wierd!
LW, when you guys were first together, did you have similar goals? When you look into the future with him, do you see him as someone you will support for the rest of your life? Lindsay August 8, , 9: I agree with you that the lying versus cheating is semantics. He was at least attempting to cheat. On one hand you are married — this should be something you put all your effort into getting through together.
You both made vows, so I think if he is willing to do whatever it takes you should try to stick it out. A relationship without trust is a recipe for disaster. Is this a thing? I honestly think a woman, or some females, starting paying attention to him. Maybe checking him out. And he liked it. It might not have happened before and he enjoyed the attention. I can honestly see this happening.
I was a semi late bloomer. Anyway, I started getting more attention from men in the middle of college. It was a huge ego boost and it helped my self esteem. I knew a guy who was nerdy and unattractive in high school, and when he suddenly got more attractive as an adult, he stopped wanting to be in relationships. Turned out, he was basking in all the attention he was getting from women and was enjoying his new opportunities for casual dating and sex. Which is totally normal.
Anything good that happens to me law school, job, etc happens to Ethan. If he gets a raise it is our success. It kind of leads me to believe they should have been working on their relationship not just his issues way before she caught him lying. So, if they want to stay together, they need counseling and to get to the root of the real problem. You might take the free latte and smile back. Especially if that kind of guy never ever flirted with you before.
Even if you have ZERO intent of following up. So I get the new flirting thing. It just makes you feel sexy and wanted. Iwannatalktosampson up and make sweet sweet love. So As I said, I get the flirting and i even get the number thing. MMcG August 8, , We are both in our late 20s. In February I told Carl that I could not put up with his drinking anymore he was drinking beers on a daily basis — more on weekends — and has gotten two DUIs.
He seemed to turn things around: Why did you wait until 3 years into your relationship to deal with your partners drinking problem? Do you not realize that if he kills somebody you are the one who will legally have to deal with the aftermath — not the flirty customer!?!
Are you maybe thinking we are giving this guy an excuse for saying this? Lili August 8, , 3: From the sound of it this guy has had the last five years of his life filled with critique and guidance on how he needs to change his ways — drink less, lose weight, get a higher education, etc. He did it, probably feels better about himself, has a little more stride in his step. Everyone likes feeling attractive or getting positive attention.
It sounds like it just spiraled into an inappropriate friendship. Hey you want to catch a movie? But it is a marriage. Unfortunately, sometimes critique and criticism is required, and soft-shoeing a situation is dangerous for the person who needs the hard truth.
But I think he was ready to hear it, since he is actively making the changes necessary to abide by her criticism. It was just one after the other, no acknowledgment when he dropped 30 pounds, or drank a little less, or tried to give her the world.
It was exhausting to watch. Some guys will push thru the criticism and do not need any validation after. Budj August 8, , 1: Now that is not saying a man gets a pass on being that for their wife, haha, but it does add an interesting perspective to your point about searching for confidence outside of his marriage.
My husband is dating another woman
I once read a study that said how couples handle positive life changes was a better indicator for how healthy their relationship was than how they handled negative things. I wish I could find it I think it was in Time , but it sort of makes more sense when you look at situations like this. Asking someone else out while married IS cheating to many people. But he needs to get himself together before really, truly addressing that. Leah August 8, , 9: She says he asked her out several times while he only admitted to asking her out once.
He had an emotional relationship with another woman that he hid from you. Even if it turned into friendship, it began with a premeditated attempt to start a romantic or sexual one. I would try for couples therapy, and maybe therapy on your own to work through this betrayal. Several commentors have mentioned the difference in education between you two, and I wonder how long his drinking was a problem.
I think you two really need to figure out if you want to save the marriage, and if you do, you need to get to counseling ASAP so you can learn how to do that. MackenzieLee August 8, , I have a friend like that — college educated, involved in church, tends to stay away from drugs and alcohol, and married to a high school drop out that smokes, drinks and swears all the time. He really lucked out getting her, and at least he seems to realize it.
What stood out to me most about the letter is the lack of positive things the LW said about her husband.
My Husband Is In Love With Another Woman But I Still Have Hope for Our Marriage
The other huge red flag for me was his response. Always consult with your psychotherapist, physician, or psychiatrist first before changing any aspect of your treatment regimen. Do not stop your medication or change the dose of your medication without first consulting with your physician. This is a situation that comes up in relationships sometimes. A very painful situation, but not an infrequent one, unfortunately.
One partner in the relationship loses the attachment to the relationship, while the other partner does not. Then, one day and seemingly out of the blue, the partner who has detached from the relationship announces that he or she is leaving and that there is no possibility of further discussion; no ambivalence to play on; no possibility of salvaging things. Adults being as partnered up as they generally are, when you are suddenly alone, it is easy to feel terribly lonely, and to feel like a complete failure.
The kind of grief associated with this loss is similar certainly not the same to the kind of grief that someone who was suddenly and unexpectedly widowed might experience. In terms of what you should do, the advice I have to give is simple but hard to follow. You need to let this husband of yours go, in my humble opinion. Not because you want to do this, but because he clearly no longer wants to be with you, and to not divorce yourself from him emotionally at this time is to decide instead to suffer in a more intense manner than is absolutely necessary.
People get obsessional when they are in your position. They cannot stop thinking about the partner they have lost, and cannot allow that partner to go. If you fit the common pattern, your heart will not give you permission to let him go.
Additionally, he may feel guilty about what he is doing and thinks that paying you a little extra attention will give you no reason to suspect that anything is wrong. Was this step helpful? Yes No I need help 4 He avoids affection and common meetings. Emotional affairs can be just as painful, if not more painful than physical affairs.
If your husband avoids social gatherings or meetings with family, it could mean that he spends time with someone else or does not want to be discovered acting strangely. The more he can minimize interaction, the less likely it is that his behavior will be discovered. Additionally, the focus of attention on another person makes it more difficult for many people to be affectionate to their spouses.
If he is suddenly less affectionate toward you, his mind may be on another woman. Yes No I need help 5 He spends a lot of time at "business meetings". If he returns home later and later and says that he has been spending time with coworkers, you should look carefully at this situation, because behind it there can be a woman.
Meetings, business dinners, and delegations are quite common excuses for infidelity. You will never be invited, of course. Yes No I need help 6 He dresses differently or changes his appearance.
Has your husband suddenly started taking extra good care of himself? Has he changed his style of dress or started to spend more time in front of the mirror? Has he suddenly started wearing a new cologne, made other changes to his appearance, such as a new style of facial hair, or even joined a gym? If you know you haven't had any conversations like this with him, but he suddenly makes small or dramatic changes, they may be made for someone else.
Yes No I need help 7 He is secretive. Secrecy often extends beyond mobile devices, so also pay attention to his general demeanor. Does he no longer tell you willingly about his day or something interesting that happened to him at work?
If he is no longer sharing information like he was before, and even finds it difficult to look you in the eyes when you are speaking to each other, it is very easy to get the idea that his thoughts are focused on someone else.
Yes No I need help 8 Look for changes in his behavior. Does he have a new hobby?
Has he just discovered a new hobby that he was never so interested in, such as tennis or football? Consider the amount of time that he is spending on this activity, as it may be a cover to allow him to leave the house without you. Especially if this new passion started suddenly, it may not only be an innocent activity that he has discovered. Yes No I need help 9 Look for changes in his attitude.
Has your partner suddenly displayed a boost in confidence? Is he now more happy, kind, charming, or contemplative? Is he suddenly more energetic and optimistic?